Bob and the Lion

[SharkDave]

Just found this. Great story.!

[drwilly]

Good stuff, RH.

[Tater]

Paragraph 8, sentences 3 and 4. Clean that up a bit, please. Perhaps combining to one with more vice 2 with less. When I read it, and I’ve done so several times, the sound of my reading voice changes on these two every time. Weird, I know, but those two take me out of character. Comes across as “preachy without an audience” if you know what I mean.

[Tater]

I just figured out the voice change; it changes from the voice of the story that’s been built in my mind to the voice of the author. The author who knows one subwoofer is all that’s needed, but the two subwoofer crowd isn’t something he associates with or isn’t comfortable enough with to address. It’s been bothering him for a while and it finally manifested itself enough to come out.

Maybe let Bob’s concentration wane and step out of his situation long enough to compare it to the youngsters he sees in town with two subwoofers before snapping back to the reality of his situation, lol.

[Rubberhead*]

Tater,
I understand and completely, 100%, agree with you. I think it's mostly because the whole thing is so fractured - parts are 20 years old while other are fresh. Verb tense and voice were different from where I started to where it ended up going. I got so tired of this darn thing sitting on my hard drive that I just wanted it gone which made me lazy. I think I can fix it though. Give me a day or two...the moon is new and there's room in the freezer...

[Tater]

And to clarify, I do this for a few reasons, lol. First is for a change of pace from the “oh RH that was so beautiful that I left work early to go home and make love to my wife in her Lilly garden”. Second is to let you know that I read it with conviction. Third is to let you know how <removed an extra how> it came across to me; gives you something to compare to when it comes time for analysis.

In the end it commanded my attention, I see the landscape and feel the sensations and if my wife were home right now I’d take her out to my muscadine vines for skyrockets in flight

[2thDoc]

TMI
but i get you both

[Tater]

[Rubberhead*]

No need to clarify. I understood. I am not a good reader, worse when it's my own writing. I'm grateful for any help or advice.

[2thDoc]

no one should proofread their own stuff.

I just found a typo on a flyer I got from a huge dental company.....

[Rubberhead*]

Tater,
Thank you, thank you, thank you. It's much better (or at least less clunky).