Dad Jokes

[wob]

Aight. If you are an American before you walk into the bathroom and when you walk out, what are you whilst in the bathroom?

Eurapoopin?

[coonsqualler01]

European.

[fowlshot]

What’s green and red and goes 200mph?

A tree frog in a blender

[fro]

why would a tree frog be in a blender?

[JJ1965]

Dead baby jokes are so much better than this thread.

[beanhunter]

Dead baby jokes are so much better than this thread.

Maybe I missed something but wtf ??

[M.R.Ducks]

Wow

[Tater]

What did the Redfish say when the crab scratched him?

Ahhhh, that’s the spot.

[darealdeal]

Yall hear about that new restaurant on mars? Heard the food was good but had no atmosphere....

[Drakey]

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

[River Rat]

You know they don't allow loud laughing in Hawaii......



...........just a low ha.

[billyjack]

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl urinating?

The “p” is silent.

[ecu1984]

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any
trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?



♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards
the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.



♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom
until they are flashing behind you.



♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so
polite they only look at the covered parts.



♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.



♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X
and wondered Y?



♦ America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to
fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.



♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That's your common sense leaving your body.



♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish?



♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see
about that.



♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on
her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.



♦ Money talks ..but all mine ever says is goodbye.



♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.



♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of
payments.



♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they
just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”



♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older
women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”



♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.



♦ My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about
the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.



♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If
you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!



♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure
she’s going to get me something.



♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you
can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.



♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely
out of tattoos.



♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!



♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was that nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest
T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie were all single. The
only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk

[Gut_Pile]

copy and paste is lame

[Featherduster]

If you turn a canoe over you can wear it as a hat. It will be cap-sized.

[Ring King]

A baby seal walked into a club.....

[Two Barrels]

For some reason when I read these they all were in a Rodney Dangerfield stand up routine voice. I laughed.

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any
trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?



♦ Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards
the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.



♦ I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not
screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.



♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom
until they are flashing behind you.



♦ When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90% of their body... men are so
polite they only look at the covered parts.



♦ A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight,
live longer than the men who mention it.



♦ Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X
and wondered Y?



♦ America is a country that produces citizens who will cross the ocean to
fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.



♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone?
That's your common sense leaving your body.



♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of
captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and
throw them fish?



♦ My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see
about that.



♦ I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on
her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.



♦ Money talks ..but all mine ever says is goodbye.



♦ You're not fat, you're just... easier to see.



♦ If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of
payments.



♦ I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they
just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”



♦ I can’t understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older
women’s clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”



♦ My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social
situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.



♦ My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about
the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.



♦ Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us.” If
you’re in Denny’s and it’s your birthday, your life sucks!



♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure
she’s going to get me something.



♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you
can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.



♦ I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely
out of tattoos.



♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!



♦ The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was that nobody was
married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest
T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara, and, of course, Opie were all single. The
only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk

[Woodiewacker82]

A baby seal walked into a club.....

I laughed.

[Tater]

Which Knight built the round table?

Sir Cumference.

[flockbuster]

What happens if you eat tinfoil?

You get sheet metal